my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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