omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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