i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
