Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
