you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
