Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
