my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
