I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
