I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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