You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
