Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
