Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
