I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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