If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
