it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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