i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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