i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
