When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Randomize
