Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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