between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
