i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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