ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
