hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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