Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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