Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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