We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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