so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
