Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
