Where is the hickey?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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