Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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