Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
