the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
