I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
this just has baby written all over it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
