WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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