i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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