thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
