Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
