Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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