Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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