That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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