Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
