You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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