guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
