Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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