she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
