i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
