He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
