Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
