Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize