I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
