Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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