She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize