So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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