I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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