Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
