she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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