I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
