she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize