She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
