It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
