Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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