when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize