it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
