I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
