Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
